So it's a slow holiday weekend at the hospital and I'm reading through some of my old posts that needed tagging and catching up with my past self but it's such an odd experience to read over writings that occurred over a year ago. It's kinda like when you leave a message on your own voicemail and your end up listening to it one day and at first you're thinking "Who the heck is that?!" That's what my old blogs are a bit like, I feel a little embarrassed and at the same time there's a part of me that definitely sounds like me.
I think it's amazing that no matter how much we grow and change there's always this part of us that's still us, that still feels like home. I have this friend who used to fight with me over whether people could change or not. Some days he'd say you can reinvent yourself and nothing's permanent and other days he would argue that we're all stuck in out habits and we will never change. Playing the devil's advocate I'd always argue the opposite depending on the position he was taking that day but the truth was at that time I didn't know which was true.
Along comes yoga teacher training and a little Eckhart Tolle and I found out both are true. We have our permanent self which goes by so many names true Self, Atman, the observer, our higher consciousness... And that's our touch-stone with the deeper truth that connects all of us. A lot of people don't even recognize this part of ourselves with all the hectic noise our lives create. When we lose touch with our true Self we feel lonely and separated from the world and the people around us. We often believe that no one can understand what we're going through and we'll never be happy. When we sit quietly and meditate or go for walks in nature or take time to wind down this piece of ourselves because more visable. The other part that does change is our Ego self or small 's' self. This is the part of us that our minds create from history carried in our genetics, our past karmas, our childhood experiences. our parental upbringings and all kinds of information we gather from society and the world around us. Our Ego self is much louder then our true Self. And in times of stress it's not uncommon for it to shout and raise up a fuss to the point where we begin to feel lost and alone. Once the dust settles though our true Self still remains as it did the whole time, whether we knew it or not.
I guess I could be stressed to find out that my Ego self is causing all these problems but I don't really mind because I know my true Self is still there behind it all.
I think it's kind of neat to have the opportunity to change and yet stay the same as well. A kind of security with the option for adventure and exploration.
Today's not much of a day for personal exploration. It's my last full weekend and the hospital. It's really queit here, just us and the patients. I hope every one's getting some family time in and enjoying the drama that comes with hanging out with people that have known you since you were poopin' in your diapers.
Gandhi said if you think you are enlightened try spending a week with your family.
Good luck and Happy Easter!