Wednesday, June 18, 2008

In a muddle...

So far my Brahmacharya practice is going medium well. I've been cleaning 1/2hr two times a week but my email checking still keeps slipping over 3 times a day (I think I have an addiction). I should render this impossible soon though. I'm getting tired of waiting for the Alberta job to come through and feeling a tad on the rejected side and a tad on the poor side as well so I've contacted the hospitals around here and I'm going to look into doing casual work in the hopes that if I can swing it I can work like crazy the first three weeks of the month and take the last week of the month off to travel and climb. We'll see how this plan works. I'm beginning to feel like I'm being cut off at all turns. The world won't be happy until I sign myself up for a crummy full-time hospital job that sucks my time and climbing away. We'll see how this goes. I'm also hoping to get a hold of the home care agency that I used to work for to see if I can convince them to let me provide a weekly yoga session for their burnt out workers (care for the caregivers, very important). First I have to get my main job figured out though. I don't know if I should just be more patient with the Alberta thing, but it's been 2 months and I just can't sit around any longer.
I'm not sure how much of my impatience is practical and how much of it's personality.
I've been thinking about the constrictivness of and how who we decide we are becomes how we decide to act in situations.
I haven't been meditating as much as I'd like to this past week and I really notice how far I'm getting away from my Atman. It's like all these little nuances that make up my personality are deciding my actions. And I know this is a bad thing because your personality is biased and made up of a whole bunch of experiences and events in life that I've collected together like an outer protective shell and instead of recognizing the function of a personality I'm letting it call the shots. But after my teacher training I know that all these little things aren't who I am so I can't let them become deciding factors for how I act.
So I think I'm going to really work back into the meditation this week. I don't like feeling this moody.
The rain doesn't help. Hopefully I'll get everything straightened out.
*Muchos hugos*