Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Hate is such a very strong word.

I went home last night instead of going to Coyote for training because I was falling asleep at my desk at work and thought it would be better if I just went to bed. I laid in bed for an hour and never managed to fall asleep. Instead I was up until almost midnight and didn't get my sleep back in order.
It's too bad too because I can see the obvious difference in the way I react to things when I'm this tired. My sense of humour and patience is not as good. I don't want to do the little things I should like clean up messes and follow-up on phone calls. And I notice I get irritated at really stupid things. I'm awake enough to notice I'm acting irrationally but I still end up continuing down that path because my mouth speaks before my brain hears it. I begin to wonder why sleep has such a large effect on a person's personality.

As I was driving to work today I saw this truck car hybrid thing. It had this slopey front, sort of like a VW Beetle and then the back had a truck bed. And do you know what the first thought to pop in my head was? "Eww, I hate that!" Then I was thinking about how moms always say hate is such a strong word. And it is. I mean it was only a truck. It had me thinking though. Why is the first thought in my head hate? And I know it's not the only thing I jump to such a strong dislike towards.
I never have as hard a time decoding my strong dislike for some people, the jump to negative emotions is usually a sign those people threaten or remind me of something I'm sensitive about in myself. But an inanimate object? That makes no sense! What's the truck threatening in me?
I've noticed once I have one negative thought the other negative thoughts come so much more easily and my brain just spirals towards negative. So I know it's beneficial to stop thoughts like that early on. But I still want to know why a inanimate object can inspire such a strong emotion. It seems silly. I'll have to keep trying to figure out why.
Swami Rama says when you hate it contracts your world and when you love it expands it. Just another tidbit to add to my thought process...