Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Swift Current

Things are absolutely chaotic at work today. Half of my cancer clients are now sitting in my hospital and I'm not sure when they're going home but I'm heading to Edmonton for a five day trip tomorrow so it's going to be interesting to see how things are when I get back. I'm spending the day trying to make things as easy for the people covering me as possible, but you can't be prepared for everything and as I go home to pack tonight I'm going to try to keep that in mind.
I find it pretty easy to get caught up in the need to have everything go perfectly. I always forget that if I don't plan my life out to the tinieist detail I will still be able to handle things if some of my plans fall apart.
In the past I would spend tons of time planning and still things would come apart at the seams, because the outcome of the actions I take aren't up to me. We don't get to decide how our lives turn out. Really we're only able to make choices in the moments they are presented to us. So if we can't decide what results we will get why are we so hard on ourselves when things don't go our way?
This is the first trip I've been on where I'm sort of leaving things up in the air. It's a big adventure for me to not have all the moments planned out and I can feel myself trying to manipulate things I have no control over to give myself the feeling of control. My goal for the next five days is to let things be a little unplanned. Aparigraha, non-grasping, is one of the hardest things in yoga to learn as it relates to non-attachment. And I always worry if I am not attached to anything I will just spin out of control.
I'm trying to think of people caught in a fast moving river. A lot of the times they drown because they are fighting to get back to where they fell in. If they worked with the current and met the shore further down the river they would have made it. I'm going to try to remember that life is like a river, and for the next bit whenever I feel I'm struggling to take control I want to remind myself that I'm working with a force greater than myself and there's only so much control to be had.
If my blog is a little irregular for the next bit it's because I'm resisting the urge to figure out where I'll find internet access in Edmonton until I get there.
Here's to learning to swim...