Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Purgatory

I had a Shaman crack my ears last night and right away I could hear better in my left ear, which is awesome! But boy did it hurt when he did it.
It's been an interesting couple of days. Lots of changes going on around me. Two of my friends are leaving town. My sister's trying to reprioritize her life by taking a work siesta. It feels like people are coming and going at such a mixed up pace. It makes me a little melancholy. And I think the real reason this is all affecting me so much is because I'm not moving at all at the moment and I sure would like to be. Waiting for things to happen puts me in a place I call Purgatory. This above all other things is challenging for me. To sit and wait for things to happen is so hard. The funny truth is what choice do I have, but I think that's what makes it so hard is feeling like I have no choice. I could choose not to wait but if I want to go in a certain direction in life sometimes I have to sit and wait.
I guess this is related to the whole practice of sitting still. Why do I always have to be chasing? So I know that means I need more practice with my meditation. I hit a snag with it where I kept falling asleep when I was doing it no matter how much sleep I'd received. So I asked the same Shaman that cracked my ears and he prescribed some things for me to help. I'm going to make a road trip this Sunday to go pick them up and hopefully I'll be able to practice a little more effectively.
But that really says something about how tired I must be when I'm going non-stop all the time and the minute I sit still I konk out.
Ya, I know this whole blog sounds a little crazy but I'll get my head around things and myself moving in the right direction sooner than later. Then maybe the things I write will make more sense.
Until then I'm just going to sit here and not move...