Thursday, May 22, 2008

People who say telling the truth is easy are lying...

Rain rain go away... I was planning on doing my meditation and yoga on the grass at lunch but the weather thought it was a bad idea. My Satya practices have been exceedingly challenging this week. I've been getting most of my half hour meditations in but I haven't been able to get myself up to do it in the morning before work. Every time my alarm goes off I feel like the weight of the world (or maybe that's my cat) is resting upon me. But I still get it done. Then there's the problem with keeping my mind focused once I'm meditating. My brain keeps going off in funny directions and instead of pulling it back half the time I just let it wander. I keep telling myself imagination is healthy and it is but it's pulling me from my meditation so what's the point if I'm not going to give the meditation thing my best shot.
Then there was my promise not to read celebrity gossip. You would not believe how impossible this seems to be. I've held off so far, but every time I'm standing in line at the grocery store I find myself reading the covers of the gossip mags. Why?! Why do I care so much? I just want the distraction and I know that's what's pulling me in. I'm like that 4 year old you're trying to get ready for school and you keep finding in their room having a tea party with their stuffed animals. But I still haven't broken and I don't plan to.
My last one- the thinking for a breath before I answer hard questions is definitely increasing my awareness, but I don't think it's cured my Satya completely, just made me aware of how much time and energy is involved in saying the nice thing instead of the right thing.
I think the whole thing is that my ego keeps getting in the way. Every time I try to make a change I keep telling myself if I change myself from how I think I should be I won't be me anymore. Which is a bit ironic considering how often I say I don't even know myself, and yet I seem to know myself enough to have decided I can't change me. I don't think releasing my ego will be something that will change over night though, so when ever I feel resistance to trying something new I'm looking at it and seeing where the resistance is coming from. I think this will be a slow dismantling.
Going out to see Indiana Jones tonight. I hope this doesn't end up like the Temple of Doom movie because I don't feel like getting sick tonight (Nothing like watching some guy remove a heart and eating a bag of cookies to put a spin on your stomach). But before I do that I'm doing my yoga practice. Promise.