Friday, May 23, 2008

Mud Fight!!!

I can't tell if I'm getting farther away from my balance point every day or if I'm just not observant enough to see it's right beside me. I feel like when we were doing the teacher training the shore was in site and I knew how to swim there but it's been over a month since our last day of class and I feel like I'm floating off further and further and have forgotten completely how to swim.
Part of it starts right when I wake up. I'm not one of those people who wakes up all happy. No matter how much sleep I get I still manage to wake up in a bad mood some days and then to get myself back to good it's twice the challenge.
I could blame it on the fact that this waiting for the new job thing is driving me crazy or that I don't have my social life all figured out but I know the real problem is I'm letting myself wallow in it. I get these negative muddy thoughts and I sit in them and let them get stuck to me. No wonder I'm feeling icky.
So I've got the first part figured out. Half the problem is recognizing what my issues are but the other half is fixing them.
I was in Chapters last night and going to get the Eckhart Tolle book Power of Now. But I kept wavering on the idea because there's just so many books out there that claim to transform you and if they work why aren't a lot more people transformed? Or maybe they are. I don't know. So I decided against the book, although it does look tempting, and decided to read some of the Yoga Sutras. I figure that book's been around for 1000s of years and it's still popular so that review speaks louder than Oprah's 2 thumbs up.
I found a part on negativity and being the systematic-break-down-of-life that this book is it explained that there are 27 types of negativity! Wow! No wonder I was having no trouble finding something to be negative about. But actually you can break it down to 3 groups of 3.

The first group explains where the negativity stems from: This bad stuff can come from yourself directly (in word, thought or deed), it can be enacted by other people through your manipulation (such as when you convince someone to believe or say negative things) or it can come from people when it's not influence by you but you enjoy the negative outcome (Such as when a coworker you don't like gets yelled at and you enjoy it).

The next three are where this negativity comes from: there's anger- like when you're mad at someone for hurting you. There's greed- like when you become jealous of someone else's good fortune and there's delusion- like when you convince yourself of something that isn't true and are upset when it doesn't go how you plan. And of course your negativity could be a combo of any of these three.
Then the last three in the group are just the levels of your negativity: Mild, moderate or intense.
And at the end of all this help catagorizing my bad stuff I find out no matter where it comes from or why it's there the easiest way to get rid of it is just to recognize that your mind has created this negativity, recognize that all it is doing is making you suffer and then tell your mind to let it go. (You might have to tell it to a couple times, it's a stubborn thing the mind).
So I'm starting to put that into my daily practice, but I can see why most people would rather just grab a book, it's hard policing your thoughts all the time. I think that's how I got into this mess in the first place, it's just so much easier to wallow in the mud. But not happier.
And I know that under all that mud of negativity I'm happy. Maybe I just need to swim longer to really clean the stuff off.