Thursday, May 8, 2008

Gypsy Heart

Wow! Weird day. I had a friend contact me to tell me he's leaving and fast because things have just got too messed up for him in Ottawa. To be honest it sucks to see him go, but it's not that surprising because it's pretty similar to how my life flows. You start out fresh somewhere, things go pretty decent for a while but eventually the whole novelty of the place wears off and things get boring or hard and I want out. I usually only last in one place three years max, the fact that I've stayed in Ottawa this long is a miracle. Part of it is the nomad in me. I want something new, I want change and the unknown. But I know some of it's the self-sabotage I see running through my whole life. I have these opportunities come my way, like work or yoga and instead of going at them full force I try a little bit here and a little bit there, just enough to get me by. I know that sounds like a dumb idea, Why not try my best, but the theory goes like this:
If I never give something my very best try and I fail at it then it's just because I didn't try hard enough. But if I try my hardest and fail then it's because I'm not good enough.
Obviously faulty self-screwing logic. And yet I see myself do it at work everyday.
It's funny how I can see this stuff but haven't got the gumption to move through it.
This Sunday my 2 week practice will be about truth (Satya) so maybe I'll have to figure out some way to work this self-sabotage thing in there.
Otherwise still nothing on Alberta. I'm calling tonight, I promise.
And it's my last evening shift and I called work today to try to bail out and the guy who runs the home care company totally convinced me not to. So I'm going, I'm going... Last days of work are always when bad stuff happens to me. When I worked in a seafood restaurant I sliced my hand twice on my last night and a bunch of other bad stuff happened. Interesting to see what'll come at me tonight. Maybe I'll have a good story for you tomorrow.