Friday, May 30, 2008

Hey! Where'd all my cheap excuses go?!

Hey Peoples,
Yes I missed blogging yesterday. Yes I should not shirk on what I promised myself I'm going to do. Yes I could come up with some really good excuses why I didn't write one. No I won't use those excuses. Ok, enough with the self guilt trip. The lesson learned here is late concerts make Jayna so sleepy that brain function is compromised.
So anyone who's been around me lately has probably have noticed that I've got climbing on the brain. It's kinda weird for me, because I've been climbing for the past 6 years and it's never really been a brain imposing thing, but I have friends that can think climbing thought sall the time and I never got that before, but right now I get it. For some reason deciding I want to really do something with my climbing has made a big difference. But not to diverge too far from the yoga path I can completely relate this back to Asteya, the whole not stealing thing. Now maybe I've reworked this concept into something that suits me but I don't think that's all bad because part of learning is making the information you receive relevant to your own situation. So where Asteya is coming into play in my life now is in the area of my own goals and achievements. I would honestly say I haven't achieved a ton in my life, and I know people would disagree because I did well in school, became a nurse and passed my yoga teachers training. But in my mind an achievement is something you have to work really hard for and not to sound full of myself but I didn't consider any of those things super hard work. So when I look back I have to ask myself why I've 'achieved' so little and after thinking about Asteya I know exactly why, because I've always doubted myself. Every time something hard that I wanted came along I'd think "What's the point, I either won't be able to manage it or even if I do it'll be sub-par to anything someone else could create." And then I just wouldn't try. But then I started thinking this week about all the opportunities I steal from myself by doing that because I don't even give myself the opportunity to try. Wow, talk about kicking my own feet out from under myself. So I'm done with it. I mean I've thought about my lack of achievements a million times before, but when I put in it the context of not stealing from myself it makes a whole lot more sense to me. So that's my Asteya practice at work.
Also on the yoga front (because yes I feel like I've been neglecting it lately), I'm working on some sequences I've been making for some clients this weekend (Look at that, sacrificing my Friday night, do we get karmic brownie points or something in this game). I bought a microphone so I can do up MP3 sessions for people (And yes mom I will get yours done, more self imposed guilt... Sorry). And I'm heading down to the States on Sunday to pick up the stuff to help my sleeping meditation problem. I've been told Iosol will fix me right up. And on that note I'm including a link to this new C-51 bill they're working to pass. I don't know what to think of it. I feel like the government website makes it seem like a not so big deal but sites opposing the bill impress on me that this could be a very bad thing. Stay objective and consider both sides for yourself. I'm fence sitting for now until I hear more. Hope my choice isn't made too late.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Setting Goals...

(Inspirational climbing photo...) Another beautiful Wednesday, one of those awesome days for climbing outdoors because there's enough of a breeze to blow the black-flies away. I've had climbing on my mind this week because I've decided I'd like to be able to compete at Open level (the highest climbing level) by next year. Thinking back I'm trying to remember if I've ever trained for anything where I wanted to compete... Not really anything I can think of. Which probably explains why I have no clue what I'm doing. I've been asking around for advice and of course you get all different ideas about what's the best way to go about it. I mean climbers have ideas about everything from your diet to your sleep cycle and that's before they even get into how many chin-ups should be done each day.
I know from other things that it's important to set small goals as well as big ones. So I want to be able to campus (climb with no legs on the wall) a easy problem by the end of the week. My big goal is just to climb in Open level at the competition next May.
On another training level I'm still trying to improve my meditation but just keep falling asleep so we're heading down to New York State this weekend to pick up some things that are supposed to help and I think they will. Otherwise I'm going to have to try to get up early enough to meditate before I go to work (shiver), hope it doesn't come to that.


Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Purgatory

I had a Shaman crack my ears last night and right away I could hear better in my left ear, which is awesome! But boy did it hurt when he did it.
It's been an interesting couple of days. Lots of changes going on around me. Two of my friends are leaving town. My sister's trying to reprioritize her life by taking a work siesta. It feels like people are coming and going at such a mixed up pace. It makes me a little melancholy. And I think the real reason this is all affecting me so much is because I'm not moving at all at the moment and I sure would like to be. Waiting for things to happen puts me in a place I call Purgatory. This above all other things is challenging for me. To sit and wait for things to happen is so hard. The funny truth is what choice do I have, but I think that's what makes it so hard is feeling like I have no choice. I could choose not to wait but if I want to go in a certain direction in life sometimes I have to sit and wait.
I guess this is related to the whole practice of sitting still. Why do I always have to be chasing? So I know that means I need more practice with my meditation. I hit a snag with it where I kept falling asleep when I was doing it no matter how much sleep I'd received. So I asked the same Shaman that cracked my ears and he prescribed some things for me to help. I'm going to make a road trip this Sunday to go pick them up and hopefully I'll be able to practice a little more effectively.
But that really says something about how tired I must be when I'm going non-stop all the time and the minute I sit still I konk out.
Ya, I know this whole blog sounds a little crazy but I'll get my head around things and myself moving in the right direction sooner than later. Then maybe the things I write will make more sense.
Until then I'm just going to sit here and not move...

Monday, May 26, 2008

Asteya

The first time around I had trouble with the third Yama of Asteya, which means non-stealing or non-coveting. I don't know if it was because I didn't understand it properly or if it was because I just wasn't sure what to do with it but it was a hard one to come up with practices for. I thought this time was going to be the same until I read into it a little bit more and got a better idea of all the implications this could have on my life.
The first time we discussed Asteya in teacher training we seemed to focus on the fact that downloading music for free and 'borrowing' things from work were bad karma. I don't even remember what my first commitments were for the two weeks we looked at Asteya, I have them written down somewhere, but I do know that I haven't downloaded music since the whole Napster fiasco and I have trouble with the idea of not using the photocopy machine at work sometimes. Luckily after I read into the topic a little more I realized that there's so much more than the physical stealing of objects.
Some of the interesting ideas I came across include our coveting of things other people have (Yes this sounds like the bible, but remember this stuff has been around a lot longer, so I swear we're not posers:). When you think about it this one happens all the time. You wish you had someone else's cool car or house, or even beyond the material stuff you wish you had their good looks or job. Asteya asks us to look at all these things on our list of desires and truly question whether having them ourselves would make us happy or if we're just thinking from the negative position of greed. It's not wrong to have the goal of a secure job or a comfortable living situation, but the point where this becomes a problem is when we stop being grateful for the things we already have. Then you're stealing from yourself the joy that comes with all the things you have and have achieved.
Another one I'm notorious for is wishing I had the relationships other people had with their friends and family and partners. This one is so unfair to the people already in my life, because I'm stealing from them the gratitude of what they've given me by implying it's not enough. So this comes down to being grateful for what you have as well.
There's the idea of stealing people's time and resources by being late to meet them or assuming they have time to talk to you without asking when you call. The same goes for when people do the same to you. When you let people take your time without asking you're letting them imply they are more important than you and taking from your self worth. Something to consider when that telemarketer calls but you're trying to eat dinner.
I read that not letting people work through their own problems when you become impatient is a form of stealing because you are taking their chance to learn for themselves.
Also taking others ideas as your own is stealing (obviously, but maybe you don't notice you're doing it).
So there's a whole bunch of ideas that go above and beyond stealing cable.
It's said in yoga when a person uses Asteya to guide their life things they need will come to them. At first glance I thought that seemed a bit hocus-pocus, but if you learn to stop stealing from yourself by convincing yourself you are not enough and that you don't own enough maybe just realizing you have so many of the things you truly need is the gift you receive in and of itself.
So for the next two weeks I've chosen a few new practices to commit to:
For my first I'm going to work at listening in conversations. I always assume I already know what people will say before they answer and that means I'm stealing their freedom to be themselves by pre-deciding what their opinion is.
My second practice is going to be around the coveting what other people have. Every time I feel jealous over something someone else possesses I have to remind myself of something I already have that's awesome and be grateful for it. It's easy to find things to complain about in our lives but it takes an active practice to find things we like in our lives.
And my final practice is similar in that I'm going to practice being content with myself. Now that I live alone I find I have trouble having a free night because I feel like it means I'm not good enough just because no one is hanging out with me that one night. So I plan to sit in contentment with myself and not seek out other people on those nights I find I have no other plans. By insisting I need someone around all the time I imply I'm not good enough to hang out with. So that's my goal, just to be content alone when this occurs in the next 2 weeks.
Now I'll stop stealing your time with my long post *Wink* Hope every one's enjoying the rain, Happy Monday!


Friday, May 23, 2008

Mud Fight!!!

I can't tell if I'm getting farther away from my balance point every day or if I'm just not observant enough to see it's right beside me. I feel like when we were doing the teacher training the shore was in site and I knew how to swim there but it's been over a month since our last day of class and I feel like I'm floating off further and further and have forgotten completely how to swim.
Part of it starts right when I wake up. I'm not one of those people who wakes up all happy. No matter how much sleep I get I still manage to wake up in a bad mood some days and then to get myself back to good it's twice the challenge.
I could blame it on the fact that this waiting for the new job thing is driving me crazy or that I don't have my social life all figured out but I know the real problem is I'm letting myself wallow in it. I get these negative muddy thoughts and I sit in them and let them get stuck to me. No wonder I'm feeling icky.
So I've got the first part figured out. Half the problem is recognizing what my issues are but the other half is fixing them.
I was in Chapters last night and going to get the Eckhart Tolle book Power of Now. But I kept wavering on the idea because there's just so many books out there that claim to transform you and if they work why aren't a lot more people transformed? Or maybe they are. I don't know. So I decided against the book, although it does look tempting, and decided to read some of the Yoga Sutras. I figure that book's been around for 1000s of years and it's still popular so that review speaks louder than Oprah's 2 thumbs up.
I found a part on negativity and being the systematic-break-down-of-life that this book is it explained that there are 27 types of negativity! Wow! No wonder I was having no trouble finding something to be negative about. But actually you can break it down to 3 groups of 3.

The first group explains where the negativity stems from: This bad stuff can come from yourself directly (in word, thought or deed), it can be enacted by other people through your manipulation (such as when you convince someone to believe or say negative things) or it can come from people when it's not influence by you but you enjoy the negative outcome (Such as when a coworker you don't like gets yelled at and you enjoy it).

The next three are where this negativity comes from: there's anger- like when you're mad at someone for hurting you. There's greed- like when you become jealous of someone else's good fortune and there's delusion- like when you convince yourself of something that isn't true and are upset when it doesn't go how you plan. And of course your negativity could be a combo of any of these three.
Then the last three in the group are just the levels of your negativity: Mild, moderate or intense.
And at the end of all this help catagorizing my bad stuff I find out no matter where it comes from or why it's there the easiest way to get rid of it is just to recognize that your mind has created this negativity, recognize that all it is doing is making you suffer and then tell your mind to let it go. (You might have to tell it to a couple times, it's a stubborn thing the mind).
So I'm starting to put that into my daily practice, but I can see why most people would rather just grab a book, it's hard policing your thoughts all the time. I think that's how I got into this mess in the first place, it's just so much easier to wallow in the mud. But not happier.
And I know that under all that mud of negativity I'm happy. Maybe I just need to swim longer to really clean the stuff off.




Thursday, May 22, 2008

People who say telling the truth is easy are lying...

Rain rain go away... I was planning on doing my meditation and yoga on the grass at lunch but the weather thought it was a bad idea. My Satya practices have been exceedingly challenging this week. I've been getting most of my half hour meditations in but I haven't been able to get myself up to do it in the morning before work. Every time my alarm goes off I feel like the weight of the world (or maybe that's my cat) is resting upon me. But I still get it done. Then there's the problem with keeping my mind focused once I'm meditating. My brain keeps going off in funny directions and instead of pulling it back half the time I just let it wander. I keep telling myself imagination is healthy and it is but it's pulling me from my meditation so what's the point if I'm not going to give the meditation thing my best shot.
Then there was my promise not to read celebrity gossip. You would not believe how impossible this seems to be. I've held off so far, but every time I'm standing in line at the grocery store I find myself reading the covers of the gossip mags. Why?! Why do I care so much? I just want the distraction and I know that's what's pulling me in. I'm like that 4 year old you're trying to get ready for school and you keep finding in their room having a tea party with their stuffed animals. But I still haven't broken and I don't plan to.
My last one- the thinking for a breath before I answer hard questions is definitely increasing my awareness, but I don't think it's cured my Satya completely, just made me aware of how much time and energy is involved in saying the nice thing instead of the right thing.
I think the whole thing is that my ego keeps getting in the way. Every time I try to make a change I keep telling myself if I change myself from how I think I should be I won't be me anymore. Which is a bit ironic considering how often I say I don't even know myself, and yet I seem to know myself enough to have decided I can't change me. I don't think releasing my ego will be something that will change over night though, so when ever I feel resistance to trying something new I'm looking at it and seeing where the resistance is coming from. I think this will be a slow dismantling.
Going out to see Indiana Jones tonight. I hope this doesn't end up like the Temple of Doom movie because I don't feel like getting sick tonight (Nothing like watching some guy remove a heart and eating a bag of cookies to put a spin on your stomach). But before I do that I'm doing my yoga practice. Promise.



Wednesday, May 21, 2008

You're only crazy if you answer back...

So I'm still waiting for a security check to go through. Patience, patience, patience... A hard thing to learn.
I caught up on my sleep though and am just catching up on all the other stuff that's fallen behind at work. I feel like I'm so out of my own life lately, I have no clue what anyone is up to or even where I'm at. I think it's a good thing too though because I often get myself wrapped up in other people's lives instead of paying attention to what I want to do with my own.
I was noticing that this morning. You know how most people talk to themselves? I talk to everyone else in my head. I find I imagine my conversations with other people all the time and bounce ideas off these people I know. I don't know what they'd really say in such conversations though, I'm just conjuring them in my head. I must think I'm a really poor conversationalist because I never seem to want to talk to me. So enough of that. What's the point of making conversations up with other people when I'm always around to talk to? So if you see me around chatting with myself more now, you'll know why.
I'm starting my climbing training today (hopefully) and looking forward to taking it to the next level.
Sorry I don't have more to say today, so much work to catch up on I'll have to update you tomorrow. I'm thinking I need to do a yoga something soon though. I'm feeling very out of touch with the yoga community. I'm so busy though, I'll have to find a place to fit it in.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Fun Picture from Yoga Teacher Training


Kaisha's putting pictures up on the Teacher Training blog...

Rewind and Press Play

Home again home again jiggity jig! Hi peoples. I got back yesterday at 4pm and concluded my vacation with a good climb at Coyote. It was a crazy weekend. I didn't sleep much and didn't climb much but watching the national climbing competition was so inspirational and awesome. There are so many strong women out there that I aspire to be. So that's my goal for the next year. I'd like to be good enough to compete in top level climbing.
Now I'm just getting over the left overs of a vacation. Bad eating habits, no sleep, a dropped meditation practice for the past 3 days (It's hard to meditate on 3 hours of sleep) and all the other stuff that gets left in the dust when you mix up your routine.
This is usually the time when people let things fall apart. You get home and have messed stuff up so much you might as well give up on the things you were trying to achieve. It'd be pretty easy for me to decide my meditation practice is too messed up, I failed so I might as well give it up all together. This is what a lot of people do when they're trying to loss weight and they break down and eat horribly one day. Then they decide to throw their good eating habits out the window. Part of it is the guilt of failure and part of it is that sticking to things worth achieving is never easy. I mean if meditation was as easy as watching TV I'd be Super Zen by now.
One of the best lessons I've been given about my personal practices is that messing up is no excuse to quit. Could you imagine if pro athletes quit every time they lost a game? We'd have no more athletes.
The best thing to do when you mess up what you were working at is look at why you messed up, adjust and keep moving forward.
So I read a little on regularity of meditation practice and they say doing your practice at the same time teaches your brain to get into a state of meditation quicker. As well performing it in a regular spot makes it easier. They say before breakfast or bed are the best times, but then the question of what if you're too busy comes up and what I read said it's better to do it for a few minutes then to skip it all together. So I'm going to give it a try and rearrange my practice so that even if it's only for a few moments I try to get it in everyday. It should be easier now that I'm not running around in Edmonton. Time to get back at it...

Friday, May 16, 2008

Edmonton!

Ok, so I got the wireless net thing figured out at the hostel. There's enough climbers running around this place that it almost feels like home.
So I stressed my Zen to the max yesterday. I started out with a couple of hours of sleep, then a snaffu at the airport. Then a four hour flight sitting between 2 babies (which were surprisingly well behaved) and a rather ceaseless teenage girls water polo team. Then I had the pleasure of travelling in a car for three hours to Edmonton with someone who refused to stop to get a map, but apparently it was my job to find the airport. Through it all I managed to keep my head pretty positive.
I always find it hard to keep up good habits and attitudes when I go away from home. The first thing to go is always the sleep. I'm in a room with 8 other girls whom I don't know. And coordinating bed times is not an option. So the room light wasn't off until after midnight. And then the time change had me up early. But I did get some sleep and feel a bit better this morning, although still a little strung out.
I think that'll be the challange of the trip, just finding that touch-stone inside myself that feels like home and grounding myself in it everytime I start to feel like I'm twisting in knots. So right now I'm listening to some Mugison and net surfing. And the day is open to possibilities. And I'm blogging you guys! Nice!
Hope everyone is having a good Friday and has some awesome plans for the long weekend. Love to hear about them when I get back. Have fun!


Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Swift Current

Things are absolutely chaotic at work today. Half of my cancer clients are now sitting in my hospital and I'm not sure when they're going home but I'm heading to Edmonton for a five day trip tomorrow so it's going to be interesting to see how things are when I get back. I'm spending the day trying to make things as easy for the people covering me as possible, but you can't be prepared for everything and as I go home to pack tonight I'm going to try to keep that in mind.
I find it pretty easy to get caught up in the need to have everything go perfectly. I always forget that if I don't plan my life out to the tinieist detail I will still be able to handle things if some of my plans fall apart.
In the past I would spend tons of time planning and still things would come apart at the seams, because the outcome of the actions I take aren't up to me. We don't get to decide how our lives turn out. Really we're only able to make choices in the moments they are presented to us. So if we can't decide what results we will get why are we so hard on ourselves when things don't go our way?
This is the first trip I've been on where I'm sort of leaving things up in the air. It's a big adventure for me to not have all the moments planned out and I can feel myself trying to manipulate things I have no control over to give myself the feeling of control. My goal for the next five days is to let things be a little unplanned. Aparigraha, non-grasping, is one of the hardest things in yoga to learn as it relates to non-attachment. And I always worry if I am not attached to anything I will just spin out of control.
I'm trying to think of people caught in a fast moving river. A lot of the times they drown because they are fighting to get back to where they fell in. If they worked with the current and met the shore further down the river they would have made it. I'm going to try to remember that life is like a river, and for the next bit whenever I feel I'm struggling to take control I want to remind myself that I'm working with a force greater than myself and there's only so much control to be had.
If my blog is a little irregular for the next bit it's because I'm resisting the urge to figure out where I'll find internet access in Edmonton until I get there.
Here's to learning to swim...

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

I spy...


Update on the home front. I got my medical assessment back from Alberta and passed! So I called Alberta and finally got ahold of the recruiter for 1st Nations (Of course she was just going to call me) and was asked where the rest of my stuff was. Oh! I said I thought the offer was dependent on the medical and she said it usually is cause that is the last thing to come through. So I faxed her the other paperwork today and she's going to call my references and send off my security check. So I asked her if there are still positions open and she said there are still two(It's been more than a month since this started so that's hopeful). And she said that we could negotiate the start date so I'm probably going to move it back to mid-June or the end of it. So that's good news. I think? Kind of demostrates a topic that's been coming up a bit for me lately which also relates to Satya (Truth) and that's the importance of good communication. It's something that can cause a lot of problems if it's not done properly. Like if this lady had returned my calls sooner I could have got her the paperwork she needed sooner. But on a bigger scale how many fights have been started because two people don't understand each other. And it's easy to communicate the wrong information or not convey yourself properly. At the speed we move how often do we actually listen to ourselves speak, much less hear the person we're speaking to. The really interesting thing is how much emphasis we put on our perception of what people say and do. In yoga we talk about our 10 senses (Indriyas) 5 being intake sense- Smell, taste, see, feel and hear. And 5 being output senses- Eliminate, procreate, move, grasping and communicate. After we've got these ten senses all figured out we're told 'Who we are is not these ten senses'. Which I have to say is a good thing when you think about it because how easy is it to trick our senses. Optical illusions, phantom limb, physical hallucinations, etc. There's all kinds of ways to fool ourselves through our senses yet we place so much importance on what we recieve through them. In yoga one of the best ways to learn to manage our senses more effectively is to let go of using them during meditation (As described in the above link). I've been trying this out and it's really hard and scary because there seems to be this underlying fear in me of what will happen to me if I experience nothing from the outside world. Will I float away? What if I can't come back? Of course these fears are irrational but letting go is one of the hardest things for me to do. So I'll keep working on it, but I'm going to have to remember that just because I experience something doesn't mean it's true, it's just my experience.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Satya

Happy Monday! LOL! Way too much enthusiasm for a Monday.
I had a good weekend and really enjoyed Queens of the Stone Age last night. The neat part was the opening act was even better. It was this guy named
Mugison and his music was absolutely amazing and he had us laughing pretty good too.
So it's been two weeks and it's time to practice Satya which is the second Yama and it's about telling the truth.
I find this yama one of my toughest for two reasons: 1- because I'm not very in touch with what my truth is and 2- because I worry about people knowing the real me.
See it'd be easy to just sum this whole thing up into don't lie to other people but the really hard part is being honest with ourselves.
Not to say being honest with everyone isn't a challange. If your friend asks if you like her outfit and you really think it looks like a tailored garbage bag would you jump at the chance to tell her? (Ok maybe some of you would). One important thing to remember is that Ahimsa, non-harm, comes before this yama so if you can avoid truly hurting a person it's probably better to work around answering the question. Of course saving a person a little pain now may cause them a lot of pain later. So consider that too.
This yama also talks about gossip and not saying things you don't know to be true. In yoga class they liked to say that if people only spoke the truth they'd speak a lot less.
And of course you may ask why to even try this practice. Mostly the benefits seem to be how much easier this makes life. Less stories to keep straight and if you practice long enough you'll find it easier to see your true self. But don't take my word for it, you'd have to try it to see it.
So my three Satya practices for the next 2 weeks are:
1- I'm giving up on reading the celebrity gossip websites and magazines, which I will sadly admit are a vice of mine. I hope you're all laughing right now, but this is seriously going to be a challange for me. At least it'll get some of the junk and useless information out of my head.
2- I'm committing to a full 30 minutes of meditation a day instead of my usual 15 minutes. Clearing my head makes it easier to see what's true for me so I can be honest to myself and the people around me about what I stand for.
3- When asked questions where the answer isn't obvious I plan to take a breath before answering to give myself time to know I'm answering truthfully. This one will be a challange because I'm a quick talker.

So I'll leave you with a quote from my Yoga Mind book- "The truth is rarely convenient." But it goes on to say that when you practice truth you feel a lot more at peace at the end of the day.
Remember baby steps. No one's going to acheive 100% honesty in one shot, it's the little changes that help you move forward.

Friday, May 9, 2008

What's that body, what're you trying to say? Timmy fell down a well?

This may possibly have been my longest week in quite a while. Next week I'm back in the office and I think it'll actually be a relief. Today I saw a number of different presenters and there was a couple good examples of why you can't believe everything you hear in the medical profession. One doctor informed us that drinking water isn't important and that you should only drink if you're thirsty. Which is funny because I hear sports specialists say you're more likely to be injured if you don't drink enough water. Then another doctor was going on about how we need to get 1000mg of calcium a day but there was an ongoing debate in my nursing school about how eating calcium can be calcium depleting and yada yada, the confusion on what the heck to do for ourselves goes on and on. I think this whole thing flips us upside down on a regular basis. Just when you think you're doing the right thing you find out research says otherwise so you switch and then they change their minds back. And the real question is why're we letting a whole bunch of guys in white lab coats decide how we live our lives. We don't all live in controlled environments with managed variables. Life's throwing a million different possibilities at us at once. Sometimes it's hard to figure out what makes us feel junky. So we watch the news and it tells us we probably have chronic fatigue or something. Here's what I've decided to base my life choices on. Experience. Which feels better for me? And the only reason more people don't use that method of decision making is it takes time to look at yourself and figure out what feels good and what feels bad. No one wants to listen to their bodies. I don't want to either, but it's the only thing that knows how much water I should be drinking.
I had my last shift last night and it actually went really quickly. I think my patient will be happy to have his daughter doing his care again. I think his daughter will have a mental break down soon but that's neither here nor there. I kept wanting to explain to her that you can't give from an empty cup and that she needs to find a space for herself in her life. But I see this all the time and know it's not really that easy because some people will self-sacrifice until their 8 feet under ground. it's a hard problems to get around. Now that i don't have a second job I'll have to figure out what I'm doing to make ends meet. Some changes may be coming, we'll have to see.
And I'm almost finished my two week Ahimsa practice. I did pretty good at not getting angry at other drivers and it definitely improved my mood while I was driving. I'm still working on the sorry thing. The problem is I really don't notice I'm saying it. Maybe I can work it in to my Satya practice for the next two weeks. The smiling at people as I pass was a 50/50 achievement. I had trouble getting over the shyness and when I did smile a lot of people were already avoiding eye contact so they didn't see. That's Ottawa for you. I have a five hour practice this weekend so I'll have to set my new goals and evaluate my old ones a bit more. Hope everyone has fun planned for the weekend. I'll be at Queens of the Stonage on Sunday, it's going to be awesome!

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Gypsy Heart

Wow! Weird day. I had a friend contact me to tell me he's leaving and fast because things have just got too messed up for him in Ottawa. To be honest it sucks to see him go, but it's not that surprising because it's pretty similar to how my life flows. You start out fresh somewhere, things go pretty decent for a while but eventually the whole novelty of the place wears off and things get boring or hard and I want out. I usually only last in one place three years max, the fact that I've stayed in Ottawa this long is a miracle. Part of it is the nomad in me. I want something new, I want change and the unknown. But I know some of it's the self-sabotage I see running through my whole life. I have these opportunities come my way, like work or yoga and instead of going at them full force I try a little bit here and a little bit there, just enough to get me by. I know that sounds like a dumb idea, Why not try my best, but the theory goes like this:
If I never give something my very best try and I fail at it then it's just because I didn't try hard enough. But if I try my hardest and fail then it's because I'm not good enough.
Obviously faulty self-screwing logic. And yet I see myself do it at work everyday.
It's funny how I can see this stuff but haven't got the gumption to move through it.
This Sunday my 2 week practice will be about truth (Satya) so maybe I'll have to figure out some way to work this self-sabotage thing in there.
Otherwise still nothing on Alberta. I'm calling tonight, I promise.
And it's my last evening shift and I called work today to try to bail out and the guy who runs the home care company totally convinced me not to. So I'm going, I'm going... Last days of work are always when bad stuff happens to me. When I worked in a seafood restaurant I sliced my hand twice on my last night and a bunch of other bad stuff happened. Interesting to see what'll come at me tonight. Maybe I'll have a good story for you tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

One in the hand is worth...

I haven't heard anything about Alberta yet. This is really dragging out now and I'm going to try to call the lady in Alberta tonight so I don't go kooky worrying about it but she might not even be able to tell me anything yet because last I heard they passed my file on to the Medical review board and then I guess they decide whether they'll accept me into a position. The problem is I don't know if my hearing thing will affect if I get this position. And if I want to drive to Alberta instead of fly I'd need to know by Monday whether I have the offer if I plan to leave for the last week in May.
So many variables and even though the whole staying centered is helping me from fixating on the situation too much it's hard to make decisions in life with this up in the air. And it is hard on the self-confidence thing. I mean what if they decide I'm not good enough or that they don't want me any more? Or what if I have to keep doing the job I have forever (Obviously no one can force me to do that). But if I want to switch jobs where will I go? Which of course spirals down into what am I doing with my life. A question lots of people have that seems to rarely get answered the way you think it will.
So if I seem a little down lately now you know why. That's one of the things that yoga won't do for you. It won't take away all the problems you have. And you have to respect it for that. It's doesn't try to sugar coat things. I mean so many quick fixes in life either wear off or leave you worse off. So here I am doing my yoga practice and yep I've still got problems and yep I've still got bad days to go with the good ones. But where I would have been a mess trying to wait to hear back from this job before, I'm handling the purgatory things pretty well now. And I actually feel pretty good despite the up in the air-idness of my life at present.
I'd still like to hear back about the job but I can wait a little longer. I'm trying to think of the good things in life as sparrows. If you want to have a sparrow land on you you have to sit pretty still and be pretty patient. Of course it helps to have some bird seed on hand but even if you have all the bird seed in the world if you run around with it in your hand you'll never have your sparrow. So I'm sitting with my palms up and breathing.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

The sugar made me do it...

I appears that I am currently trying to eat myself out of house and home. First I tried to eat the conference I was at out of house and home, but they have a bigger budget and that seemed kind of futile so I left and decided to take on the more manageable target of my own house.
I know most people hate to hear other people talk about their weights and their diets but the funny thing is we live in a society where we think about it all the time. And our views of food are so severely skewed. They said in one of the presentations I saw this morning that the greatest number of new smokers are 14 year old girls. And everyone wondered why. Apparently even though it's no longer considered a sexy habit as much as it used to be these girls are doing it to keep weight off. Like holy cow! And yet my knee jerk reaction when I'm eating food is to feel guilty.
The funny thing about eating for me is I know exactly why I do it and it's very rarely because I'm hungry. I'm the worst about looking for food fixes when I'm bored or anxious. So you can imagine me at this all day conference today, watching people teach on things I just learned about two years ago and I've only had a few hours of sleep (Bad night with my client). And of course they have plates of cakes and sandwiches laying around. When my head starts to nod my first thought is food will wake me up. Unfortunately I tested that theory a number of times today and didn't manage to stay awake more than 5 minutes after I stopped chewing. And then I feel cruddy from off the sugar. It's amazing what that stuff will do to your body. It's seriously a poison. And I know no one wants to hear my rant about sugar, but think about it. People with diabetes usually have other complications when there sugars aren't controlled. So that means when there is too much glucose in their blood stream, too often for too long they develop things like blindness, limb rot, kidney failure and a host of other problems. All related to the amount of sugar their body circulates. I mean your body has this whole intricate insulin system developed around getting the sugar in your cells quick. And I know it doesn't really make sense because sugar is energy right, so why would the bodies main energy source be so toxic. But when you think about it you wouldn't put gas anywhere else but in the gas tank for your car. You've seen what it can do to the paint by your gas cap. Sugar's kinda the same thing. Yet here I was pumping myself full of it. Luckily my body is fully functioning and clears it out but you can still get a sugar hang over. And the worst part is then I come home and want more sugar, but the jokes on me cause I don't have any in the house (Unless you count white sugar and I've resisted thus far). So now instead I will eat everything else that won't move (Lucky for the cat).
So that's my bit on diet, I'm planning on bringing a book tomorrow and hopefully keeping myself busy enough not to eat everything in front of me.
If anyone wants some really good food info I always like to check out Dr.Yoni's blog. The link is on the right and he's the authority in Ottawa. Absolute genius.
Anywho, I'm home now and a little more awake. Only two more night shifts to go. And I think I'm running out of food to eat here, I'll have to go to the store....


Monday, May 5, 2008

Black-hole Aura's

I'm in conference all this week in Ottawa and I'm trying to decide if that's why I'm so exhausted today or if was something else draining my energy. I dragged my little sister to see Spiral Beach in Ottawa last Friday and their presence on stage was amazing. They were the last band of the night to come on and before they got on the stage Kait and I were wilting pretty bad. The funny thing is that after they got up to perform they had so much energy and presence that it totally gave us more energy to keep going.
I was thinking about it the rest of the weekend, how some people in life just exude this kind of energy and how some people leave you feeling drained every time you hang out with them.
I've been having this discussion with myself for the past couple weeks about whether hanging out with people who leave you feeling worse then before you saw them is worth it. I mean when you have the people in your life that give you a boost every time you see them it seems like an easy question as to whether you should hang out, but when a person leaves you spent when ever you hang out what do you do?
Of course I always like to look at all the angles of this. Do the people that leave me feeling exhausted after their gone have that effect because I invest to much into my time with them? Or is it because they're just so high energy that my energy level isn't enough to keep up with them? Or maybe they just need so much attention from me it takes it out of me. And also am I exhausting to hang out with as well? I often wonder if I have that draining affect on people too and would I want people to stop hanging out with me because I'm too tiring?
So a lot of things to consider. Luckily I'll be done my second job this coming Thursday so maybe I'll have more energy to give out and need less. I don't really know if your personal energy level has an influence on how much energy you give when you're around people. I'd like to be like Spiral Beach and just leave people feeling pumped. Something to work on for sure. Anyways, I'm back in conference tomorrow, hopefully I can find enough energy just to keep my own head up.



Friday, May 2, 2008

Saturdays are for Jaynas

I woke up this morning and thought it was Saturday and then I got all excited. So when I realized it wasn't, instead of getting sad I decided to pretend it was anyways. So happy Saturday! It's been a pretty good start to my weekend so far. Except for the fact that I'm at work on a Saturday. But imagine how excited I'm going to be tomorrow when Saturday comes again.
So my quote for this lovely day provided by Rick Warren in the Reader's Digest is "Some people are so open minded their brains fall out."
Ya, this is totally an image I think some of us have of yogis. I know I've felt like that sometimes when I get told my aura is really beautiful or that driving a truck is bad karma. I think there's a fine line between open minded and gullible and I definitely feel I'm walking the fine line between the two.
The hard thing about yoga is there just isn't a known scientific method for proving some things. And the things that can be proven are often ignored for the more acceptable scientific knowledge.
But people who aren't yogis do this too. I mean how often do we let news channels or friends and family tell us what truth is. In yoga we're told to only believe what you experience for yourself or what someone trusted tells you (There's a third thing to trust but my mind draws a blank). And that's really the scientific method of yoga. Over thousands of years the practice of yoga has developed by people trying something to see if it works and if it doesn't they stop doing it and if it does they try it some more (How simple). And that's my suggestion for all things in life too. Try it, really try it and if it works for you it works for you, if it doesn't that's ok.
We could apply this to information we collect in everyday life. It makes me think about the whole Tibet and China issue. There's two sides to it and it'd be easy for me to take the news channels opinion or that of people in parliament, but unless I go there and experience the situation myself or meet someone who has experienced it first hand themselves it's hard to know for myself how I feel about the whole thing, but it's easy to have a knee jerk reaction and pick a side. There's probably a million issues that arise like that everyday and my natural reaction is just to jump to one side. That's how opinions are formed and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Except that we start to attach these opinions together and use them to form who we've decided we are and that's how your ego is formed. And then instead of seeing information when we receive it exactly how it is, it's coloured by our opinions. But changing this process is hard so I'm not going to beat myself up over it, just ask myself to take more time before making decisions on issues.
Just something to think about.
I'm heading out to the folks tonight for some dinner and dancing with my little sister. I hope everyone has a crazy weekend planned out with lots of challenges and fun. Have a good couple Saturdays and I'll catch you on Monday.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

If my life were a little kid who decided to run away from home Ignorance would be my treehouse.

So before I get into my bit today let me just say that Adam fixed my truck. He came out and looked at the door and didn't really do anything but when he closed the door the problem was gone, so that's pretty awesome truck juju. Thanks Adam!
On the otherside of things they wanted me to get a hearing test for my Northern nursing position so I went yesterday was told the bones in my left ear are getting stiff (A genetic type thing) and that I'm am losing hearing in that ear and it will only get worse. So they faxed that off to Alberta and hopefully they will get back to me sooner than later to tell me if I can still come up to Alberta to work. Otherwise I'm going to have to figure something else out.
I can't help but notice the irony in the fact that my issue is stiffness in the ear and I'm a yoga instructor. The one area I can't stretch out.
I mean the funny thing is that I knew this already. It's hard not to notice something like that. I mean I can't hear people half as well when I'm sitting in the passanger seat as compared to when I'm driving. And when the noisy neighbours upstairs where bugging me while I was trying to sleep I'd just roll over onto my right ear and the problem was solved. But still there's a certain level of comfort in not knowing you have a problem. I mean it's kinda funny that I've obviously known this on some level for a while but when the guy told me I was just crushed. But why? I already knew. I think all of us hate to feel defective. There's always that fear that if something is wrong with us maybe we're not as good as everyone else. I know I already had those issues so this really was the cherry on top.
It kinda got me thinking about how people would rather pretend then deal with their issues. I could relate it to so many issues the human population has, pollution, health problems, war, I could go on. So many of them are related to the fact that we'd rather not know what the real problem is. And I'm notorious for this! I don't want to know what the problem is cause I don't know if it'll end up being my fault the problem is there or if I'll be stuck fixing it. So I walk around with my eyes closed and nothing gets fixed but at least it's not my problem.
So I don't have a choice about the hearing thing. I know it now, but at least I can work with it and try to find solutions around it.
I think I should probably take this as a lesson in the fact that ignorance is easier but it never fixes anything, so as we close our eyes to the world falling down around us, when it could be saved, we're going to find one day when we chance a peek around there isn't much left to look at but a pile of rubble. So I might as well look around now and see if there isn't something to be done (And I know there's stuff to be done). Maybe you could do the same for me, just start with one thing, if we all work to try towards improving one thing who knows what we'll save. Tune in tomorrow, I have a great quote to start the day.