Friday, April 25, 2008

A Powerful Death-Grip

I'm having an off day on the blogging thing. I had a topic that I wanted to write about, and even got out a few paragraphs on it, but ended up erasing them. I'm not sure I want to bring down your beautiful Friday with that subject and in all truth I don't feel fully into writing about it anyways. Instead I'll just write what I'm thinking.
See the thing is I got a call two weeks ago about going North for the summer for some nursing and they sent me the package with a doctor's exam to fill out and it said once they received that I would get my official offer for the position. I sent the form back to them and they should receive it today, but I don't know whether they'll get to it today or if I won't hear anything until next week.
So I called yesterday and left a message (with my new number) and told them the paperwork was in the mail and to call me when they get it, but it's kind of funny because I feel like I'm dating this job.
It's like I went on a date with it and it seemed promising and now I'm just waiting for a second call. And I know they should call me either way, but when a deal this awesome comes along it's hard not to doubt it'll work out. It's like what if they don't really like me, or what if they were just leading me on, ya total second date paranoia. So here I am trying to tell myself if it doesn't work out it'll be fine, I'll just do something else. Which I'll have to do either way because of soaring gas prices making this job unfeasible anymore.
I think my two issues here are the waiting (purgatory is my pet peeve), and related to this, my lack of control in this situation. Both are obvious attachment issues an obvious sign of my need to practice Aparigraha (non-attachment), one of the most challenging ideas in yoga for me.
Could you imagine being unattached to anything? I know it seems like a crazy idea to many people. And that's not to say we shouldn't have goals for ourselves, just that when we try our best and don't reach our goals we need to be OK with that. The strange thing is that as you learn to let go of your expectations and your death grip on life you begin to be happy. Which seems counter-intuitive because we've all been told it's our achievements that make us happy, but I know this from experience. And even though I've experienced the happiness of non-attachment there are still times when my fingers start to slowly and sneakily curl around my life again and it takes a real conscious effort to get them to release once more.
So for my weekend I will be practicing Aparigraha and choosing to be OK with what happens with this job, because whether I get this job or not I'll still be me.
As one of my favorite yoga teachers used to say- "Let go... Let go....."