Thursday, April 24, 2008

Pleasantly Confused

LOL- I love that term "Pleasantly confused" it's what doctor's use to describe patients that come in with a delirium but they're not pulling IV lines out of their arms or screaming profanities. The picture this always brings to my mind is a cow in a field just hanging out, no real clue what's happening but they're content so they don't go looking for more answers. We'd all probably be a little happier if we were pleasantly confused (indeed the people I know in this state are generally happier than most). It's human nature to look for answers to all our problems and let's face it there aren't always answers, sometimes your choices have to be made without any solid evidence that one choice is better than another and sometimes all the information in the world won't make your choice any easier or more pleasant to make.
In yoga they teach that once you start existing in your Atman (Your true self) the right choice for you will become more apparent. This of course takes a lot of practice to clear away all the diversions of the ego that come in between you and your decisions in life.
I know I'm feeling that issue right now with my second job. I recently took on an evening job three nights a week helping a Parkinson's client get ready for bed. Which you think wouldn't take that long, but this actually manages to drag out into a 3 hour or longer experience. By the time I get home at 1AM I get to sleep for 6 hours (If I can fall asleep, I'm usually wired by then) and get up and go to my day job and repeat the cycle again. This is all well and good except for when something disrupts the cycle, like I get a bout of insomnia or end up with a cold or something. Then I can't seem to stretch myself any thinner and my brain gets wonky and I start feeling all kinds of emotions I can't clear out because my heads too fuzzy to function.
So as I was holding my patient's arm while he transferred himself from bed to chair last night (A half hour journey, no joke) I started thinking about the futility of it all and decided it was time to give my two weeks notice. I'm still sure about it this morning which is a good sign but I worry I'm just giving up because I don't enjoy the emotional turmoil of the job.
So I'm working on thinking like a cow (most Westerners would find this insulting, but cows are sacred in the East), and not let my emotions force me to dig to deeply into whether I should do this or not. I mean all the facts in the world won't tell me whether I should stay or not so dissecting myself mentally will only give me more stuff to watch rolling around in my head. Instead I'm going with the fact that when I don't let my thoughts get all stirred up, when I'm feeling calm and unemotional I still know it's what I should do. And maybe I don't have a good reason to stay or to quit but in this pleasantly confused state it has a true ring to it. Wish me luck! Moo...